eugenietan

Many of you would know by now that I didn’t return to Kuching for Chinese New Year. That’s cause my family came over for holiday. So though I really miss the open house mood I had no choice but to stay back. gosh.. missing the sound of fire crackers, missing mee sua on 1st day of chinese new year, miss ang pao [duh], miss ppl telling me "aiyo, lu ko si ane san ar" [aiyo, ur still so skinny ar].. lol..

Seriously fun is subjective. Fun can be anyway at anytime as long you want it. Chinese New Year away from friends was fun too, but in a total different manner.

I got a closer look of mum. This time I can say I really did. People age and my mum is not exempted. Her pace is much slower now, can see her being extra cautious at the escalator, wrinkles on her hand just saddened my heart. But she definitely rocks when she did the body slide at water park. Mum, you rock still.

But the desire of being home on CNY dies hard. Imagine this. Mum, I wanna go home next CNY. Miss CNY mood la. Ai meh? If you go home, then I wouldn’t be able to travel. You n sis will have your own life soon. So I wanna travel as much as I can now. Now, tell me how you feel. At that time, my heart says.. Ok Ok. Anything you say. I dont wanna be home anymore. Forget about what I say. Lol

Realise mum is tolerating me in a lot of ways. She’s kinda afraid I would get angry or frustrated. Tried to keep up to my pace of walking. [you really don't have to] Willingly take cab when sis and I are tired.

She’s not the only one afraid. I am even more afraid. What can a 21 year old girl promise? I dont dare to promise a good future. But there’s a song to my mum and all wonderful mums in the world..

"I Can’t believe it,

Don’t know where to start,

No.. baby.

So many questions deep inside my heart,

Give me a moment before you go,

There’s something you ought to know,

Baby, now and forever,

Until the time is through [Until the time is through],

I’ll be standing here,

waiting and never give up my faith in you, [give up my faith in you]

try to make it clear,

without your love i would be half a man,

maybe one day you will understand,

now and forever until the time is through [i'll be waiting]"

Yea. Five. Until the time is through. Sure I wouldn’t be half a man. lol. But all that is good in me I owe it to you..

You have been hurt before. And the pain is still tangling in your nerves, You feel lost. You are lost. You stand in the crowd, when it’s all noisy and happening but all you hear is your heartbeat. You dont dare to trust, you are afraid to trust so you measure everyone else by one arm length. When someone draw close, you stretch out your arm and space yourself. When that someone draw too close, you move behind to keep the space. One-arm-length you tell yourself. One-arm-length is where you keep everyone. Letting no one play in your court, you feel, it would prevent yourself from hurting. Scattered hopes, lost dreams and self-deception is what lead you here. It hurts and you drowned it all in the middle of the night. When morning comes, you mask yourself with smile and false hope.
Can i hug you? Just a friendly hug? Can i have a hug? Let struggle in your arms til i lost all strength. Let me feel the warmt of a friend once again. One-arm-length til when shall it be?

It was bare land. The soil was futile. The owner planted a seed and he told me, “Help me take care of it. Water it, will you?” I nodded. Then he left. Deep within me, I knew I had a part to play. This park belongs to us. I need to do my share. But the words of others drowned me. I never bought myself to believe something so good would be mine. I never watered the seed. I never took care of it. One day, the owner returned. And he wondered why there was no growth but a dormant seed. He looked at me. And he asked, “You water it, did you?” I nodded. I lied. As optimistic as he is, he dug another hole and planted. Again, he said water it and left. I water it once, water it twice but I never got over the words of others to see the seedling grow into a tree. The seedling never grew but those wild grasses did. I knew I couldn’t move on so I left. I was drowned by his optimism, drowned by the words of others. He asked me why I never did. I said nothing.

********************************************************************

Then, there was a second park. Everything was good. As fully furnished as it is, I bask in its completion. But this owner is different. He wanted to give me more. “What about a waterfall? No?” I smiled. He never knew what I wanted. I never said it. One day I opened up my mouth, I said I wanted that flower. He bought it down for me. Got stung by a bee and had to succumb to an injection. Bet that hurts, huh? I was touched. I smiled. I voiced it once, never twice. Would you like these? I smiled. What about that? I smiled too. He gave me everything in his will. I smiled. So much, I can see its driving him crazy. That fine day, he looked at me, and said, “What is wrong? Tell me.” I wrote it all on the notice board at the guard house. He went, read it, looked at me, finished reading and ran. I went to look for you that night. But I never saw the shadow of you. One thing I wanted to tell you that I never did. “Someday someone will appreciate you. Believe me.”

*********************************************************************

After much scrolling, I went back to the first park. Looked the mess I did and I wondered why. I never trust him. I never did. Was I too afraid to trust? I don’t know. Soon, he returned. He asked if I came back to water those seeds. I smiled and said nothing. He asked for dinner. I agreed. But he ordered something I don’t want to eat. I don’t know how to eat. Nonetheless, I looked at him and smiled. Was it his fault? No, cause he never knew. Why did I return? Cause of feelings? Or cause of guilt? Or cause I always wanted to do those things I never did? Or cause he was too good to be true? I don’t know exactly. It’s probably a little of everything. But I said nothing, he never knew. This land, this soil, this park.. It’s no longer mine. I will move on, I know I will. Returning the key to the owner. I knew if I ever look back again, this park will be the most beautiful one.

*********************************************************************

I never how it is like to move on. Till now. Anguish overwhelmed me for being so dumbfounded. I never mentioned those words in my heart. I hid it all. I don’t know why. I wish this road that leads to the other unseen, foreseen park will be a long journey. So I would learn to open my mouth and speak. So I would learn not to bury my words, my emotions, my wants and my needs. Every parent was worried over their baby. Baby can only cry and smile for it is not capable of expressing itself yet. Am I one baby? Will this baby grow? Yes, I believe it will. Given time. I don’t need a flowery, exotic, exclusive park. I only wanted a simple Japanese garden with bamboos and a shade for us to talk. I don’t take spicy food and I don’t like tobe’s white chocolate. And I’m sorry for being dumbfounded all these years.

(In the midst of holiday) Somehow I just felt like going against the crowd and creating my own fun. Ruby left for johore and

Singapore

with her floormates. Then I had thoughts of going down johore too to visit my aunt and cousin. Out of nowhere had this crazy idea of going down to Malacca and Cameron. After all those thoughts, finally decided to stay back in KL and was so determined to have my own “fun”.

Gosh, then holiday draws closer. It didn’t feel that good in the first place. The entire college was dark, gloomy and my floor felt so empty. I can even number with my fingers the ppl left in the college. Upon sending me back one night, one friend sounded concerned and was telling kim, “can you please advise your friend to move to your room? Please la. This place is so gloomy” I felt touched. It’s not often you get friend that cares. Lol.. Then again, it’s not my first time and wont be my last time (of staying alone. It’s not that bad.).

Well, I learn my lesson? Realised regardless of whatever my decision might be, It could only determine where I’ll be but It’s subjective in determining how happy I’ll be. The person you are and the people around you are the main determinant of great fun. So, I’ll say that I’ve had my portion of fun this holiday.

Highlights of this holiday:

1)      spending 4-5 hours at Gasoline café (aka jia you zhan). A pretty cool music café with a glow in the dark section (my fav) where it’s dark and everything else jus glows. I recommend a white shirt or blouse if you’re interested to visit. The menu glows too, don worry. Abundance of good food.

2)      Ice-skating (again) I’m loving it. I was so packed. Felt like walking on ice than skating. Lol.

3)      Eugenie cooks!! How great can that be? Room cook super healthy chicken soup with Vietnamese egg noodle. Not forgetting the super delicious pasta. Wanna try? Employ me

4)      Little genting. This hill lets you over look the entire KL city. Wow. Ideal place for couples. Have you ever seen kepo ppl going around trying to look into cars? Yo, mai ane la.. give them some privacy ma ;p The scenery of city lights was nice nonetheless.

5)      Feeling Music Café. Discovered this place when we decided to hunt for a new place. They have their own band. Very lively indeed. On the wall, it is written “ai hen jian dan” hmm.. do you agree?? I recommend lychee red tea. The cocktail looks presentable but taste a lil less. No, no NOT the hot chocolate.. no value for money. Try one of their recommendations.

6)      What else? I couldn’t recall. Its now 7am. Super unusual to find me awake. But I’m awake.. argh..

(to be continued since my holiday @ study break is not over yet. But thing for sure I’ve to start studying soon. It’s a must)

Why are you single? Still single ar? Why? No guys in UPM? No guys going after you? Really? Are you that busy? Argh.. so sick. Common questions. Got so much of it that it becomes so cliche.

Reminds me of a conversation over dinner. We were happily enjoying our zhi bao ji (chicken wrapped in paper) somewhere near mines. [Ho Chiak!!] Then someone asked the question, "Eh Eugenie, you’re still single ar?" "Yes??!!" "Why ar??" One smart friend added " i know why. i know why" "why??" "Because I think she felt this is not the right time yet. Somehow I felt she wanna enjoy somemore freedom" (Brian)

At that moment, I thought he spoke my heart out. I wouldnt say this friend know me well but then he was right. I just feel contented. At least till now,I haven’t really felt the urge to attach to any. I’ve had the best (I believe). So, the next one? I dont know. ;P There were good guys along the way but I felt god say just wait

One night after a hectic day, I returned to my room. On the way up the stairs, i noticed 2 scenes. First girl i met laughing and chatting happily with her bf on the mobile. I smiled. Second girl i met had tears in her eyes and i heard her say ,"so you don’t love me anymore?" puzzled. (Fact 1:I stay on the top floor. Fact 2:girls like to talk on the stairs) love has its own beautiful and ugly sides. it’s true.bitter sweet ,yea?? take time and think bout it..

So you ask me.. am i gonna stay single forever? oh please, no. (i hope not. evil laugh) my hormones are much higher than that. haha. i believe every girl needs (at least) a good guy friend. vice versa

ps. let me introduce my room mate. yong sing.. i get to hear nice songs everyday.. she’s singing next to me now as i blog.

Ever wanted to try something new? Something rather unusual? That’s me. I felt that nudge almost all the time to try something new. Here’s the most recent thing I’ve tried.. HeNNa. a more local term would be "mendhi" –> i think so. This art will stay with me for two weeks. Had some doubts bout having it.. i had to do ushering in church today [standing at the door, and giving out bulletins] I was rather worried bout perception of older generation.. imagine u shaking their hands, then they say.. ar.. ar.. what is this ar? y so samseng ar? haha.. but i gotta be proud coz it’s me!! and creating new experience i love.[i'm scared of balls ya, big n small balls in motion.been hit too often;( ] so why hide right? just be yourself.

so what else have i tried? hmm.. tried playing guitar, drum (have my own drumsticks), back-up singing, tried playing piano. parachuted. played tennis (where’s my racket ar?) , squash, swim, kayaking, obstacle, flying fox, ice skating, spa, sauna, steam bath [i think that's all.. d rest not so authentic] i wanna try diving, jet skiing, bicycle??, cant wait to use my temporary tattoo, go-cart, baking a proper cheese cake, making chocolates..lots lots more

i found a friend that’s almost as crazy as me (mayb craZIER).. ruby her name. ask her show u her HeNNa..

Are you thinking what I am thinking? Do you think you know? Take a guess.. hmm… Ice skating!!

I call it the game of letting go. Imagine being rob of something you know ever since you were 3 o 4?? fearful but fun. First time, is being clingy to the wall. sliding a few inch at a time. not daring to let go, it’s true. As the kids skates past you, sure it will bring some level intimidation. haha..gosh, this big kid learning how to skate. then again, everyone have their first time.lol

It takes alot to tell yourself to trust that you won’t fall and that even if you do,it’s all ok. [coz everyone need to fall to learn ;p] my record: 7 falls on my first day. result: bruises on both legs. mum just shakes her head when i showed it to her. haha.

sure helps if someone were to come alongside you and hold your hand. friends did it for me, and i did it for someone else. interested? we can slide and laugh. it’s all fun.

speaks so much of life doesnt it?

Introducing Beryl’s Tiramisu. It’s superb delicious. California’s roasted almond wrapped in medium-sweet-creamy tiramisu. With it’s outer layer coated with cocoa powder. The slogan speaks for itself.. Heaven in the mouth.

So here’s how heaven taste like, a little bitter at first (due to the cocoa powder) but as it melts, the tiramisu is just..hmmm… nice.. The final reward is the ever crunchy roasted almond.. ho chiak!! You’ll want MoRe!!

Today is the last day of Beryl’s promotion. Guess what, we went again and this time round we sweep the shelves clean of its tiramisu almond. It’s not for sale in the market and it’s NIce!! Hurray! another packet for me

Miss you guys a thousand chocolaties..

Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey’s head?

This is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneakin’ out

And this is where I went to school
Most of the time had better things to do
Criminal record says I broke in twice
I must’ve done it half a dozen times

I wonder if it’s too late
Should I go back and try to graduate?
Life’s better now than it was back then
If I was them I wouldn’t let me in oh oh oh
Oh god I…

Every memory of lookin’ out the back door
I got the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It’s hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walkin’ out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was lookin’ for
It’s hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we’d know
We said someday we’d find out how it feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel

Kim’s the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She’s had a couple of kids since then
I haven’t seen her since God knows when oh oh oh
Oh god I…

Every memory of lookin’ out the back door
I got the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It’s hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walkin’ out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was lookin’ for
It’s hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

I miss that town, I miss the faces
You can’t erase, you can’t replace it
I miss it now, I can’t believe it
So hard to stay, too hard to leave it

If I could relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change
Every memory of lookin’ out the back door
I got the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It’s hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walkin’ out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was lookin ‘for
It’s hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
-Photograph, Nickelback-

Memories is just so wonderful isn’t it? There are good and bad memories. And yet each and every one of them ought to be cherished just as well. There are moments in life where I regret not creating enough memories with the person dearest to me, just to realise I can never turn back time. Be in a family member or a friend. What’s past is gone with the wind.

Memories are good, I enjoy recalling each of them. Sometimes, they bring tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of regret and tears of a hope. But little did we realise memories can be a stopper. If you put your memories in front of you, you will linger there on and on, immerse in the good old days and you will never have any new ones. Don’t leave them behind you either, you will never know if one day you’ll want to find it back, it’s just to far behind your path, you can never find them. Instead carry them with you, and create more new ones along the way.

Some memories are just so painful that you want to hide it from the world, bury it six feet underground. Dark secret, dark memories.. that you won’t want anyone to find it. Some of it, you feel like killing yourself for ever making such a decison. I’ve had that. And as time passes by, I force myself to try to accept them. What’s the point of living with partial darkeness? I won’t say there is a crown of light hovering over me now, but I’ll say I removing those dark clouds a little at a time.

Pictures are images of memories. Do you agree? Yea, realising I never have pictures with some of the friends I cherish the most. Will see what i can do about it..

Worthy is the Lamb - Hillsongs

Thank you for the cross Lord

Thank you for the price you paid

Bearing all my sin and shame

In love you came

And gave amazing grace

Thank you for this love, Lord

Thank you for the nail pierced hand

Wash me in your cleansing flow

Now all i know

Your forgiveness and embrace

Caption: Three crosses stand and one bears my name. You came and died in my place. Taking away the sin, the pain and shame